3 Ways to Improve Your Life (According to Me)

It always seems that when I reach a rut in my life, I turn to this blog to vocalize what I am feeling. I would prefer it if I came here when my life was going great, which is something I am going to try and do today.

I am easily discouraged, it's something that I'm trying to move past, but it's also something very hard to train yourself out when you seem to be a professional at being discouraged. I get discouraged after one week of eating right and exercising and seeing that nothing's changed. I get discouraged when I write for ten minutes and I'm not a published author. I get discouraged when a graphic design project doesn't pan out as beautifully as I envisioned it. And so many other things it would be a waste of yours and my time to list them all. The gist of it: I get discouraged very very easily.

I took a brief evaluation of myself and realized that this is a quality that I want to train myself out of. I want to remove discouragement from the equation, and replace it with discipline, self-love, and positive stimulants.

I'm still figuring it all out, the gym and I are still bitter enemies, but here is a list of things that have worked for me.

///She Reads Truth///

Credit

Being highly religious, I've been looking for something to stimulate my spirituality. Something that has helped me drastically is an app I found called She Reads Truth. Turns out it's more than just an app, but a worldwide women's reading group. It started as a small internet reading group that exploded to a community dedicated to Jesus, reading the Bible, and empower women to be the best versions of themselves. The app includes a Bible with multiple translation options to satisfy multiple denominations of Christian women. It also includes a plethora of reading plans. Each plan revolves around a theme or a book in the Bible and goes for about 10 to 35 days. It includes assigned scripture reading, and then a small devotional written by a team of content creators on the She Reads Truth team.

But they are so much more than just a reading group. They include a small section with inspiring Christian music (FYI: it's not free, sorry guys), a section with FREE wallpapers for your phone, and let me tell you, they are gorgeous. My graphic designer heart has a heart attack every time a new wallpaper comes out, which is like every other week, I swear. 

The best part, they have a 365-day Bible Reading Challenge. I have never read the Bible word for word but I have been trying my darndest to do it with the help of She Reads Truth. The app gives you a reading assignment for each day and then lets you check it off when you finish it, and it keeps a percentage of how far you are. It's not in order from cover to cover so I've been bouncing from book to books in the Bible and it's so exciting. I love reading my personal paperback scriptures along with the app to read comparisons of translations and catching the constant light of Christ in both translations. No matter what translation you read, if you search for Christ, you will find Him.

I'm not caught up on She Reads Truth, but I love that I have something that I can turn to at any time to remind me that I am a daughter of God.

/// Pamper Yourself ///

When I get discouraged over something that I have done, I tend to lock away anything that would make me feel better away. I don't read, I don't write no video games, nothing that would inspire me to feel better. I simmer in my own diminished emotions and don't take care of myself. I would wake up in the morning, throw my two-day-old hair into a sagging ponytail, throw on a random shirt with a random pair of jeans and shuffle out the door for the day, still feeling sorry for myself.

I've realized that this behavior encourages self-pity, laziness and a rather stationary sense of being. When the going gets tough, you just bow your head and stumble on feeling sorry for yourself? No! Absolutely no.

I had had a pretty crummy day once at work, that's normal, but I had made some mistakes that had really bothered me, because I don't like to make mistakes. Nobody does. When I got home, I pondered on stepping into my old routine of eating junk food and feeling bad while watching an unhealthy amount of YouTube videos. I looked at myself and saw how pathetic I was and chose to do something.

I didn't allow myself to feel bad by making myself feel good. I took a hot shower and used my favourite shampoo, I played only my best music and when I got out I took the time to prep my hair for the morning. I painted my nails, read my scriptures, and then woke up in the morning feeling 110% better. I donned on my best red lipstick and stepped out my door feeling confident that I was going to be okay, and that today was a new day.

So the more defining moral of the story is that I had a change of perspective, a change of attitude. But I also believe that pampering yourself makes you feel something good about yourself. If you take the time to comb your hair, do your nails, clean your skin, it shows you care enough about yourself to do those things, and in the end your body responds quite positively. I think the result of your attitude will always be better after a hot shower and a good manicure.

///Journaling///

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a collector of journals and love journaling. I have a hidden away shelf in my closet that is filled to the brim with notebooks. Some are filled with scribbles, notes, and stories, others have never been cracked open yet. I decided that I should put a use to some of those blank notebooks.

I have a major fear of desecrating the 'blank page'. What if I ruin what was once beautiful? It was a constant fear of mine. But here is the really obvious fact: no one else will see this page as long as you don't want them to. Do whatever you gosh darn feel like. So I have been.

I now carry a journal with me everywhere I go. It goes with me to work, to school, to the gym, in the car, literally everywhere. It's become a constant mini-counselor. If I feel frustrated, discouraged, or a bit hopeless, I open a blank page and begin to fill it with something. It could be a sketch, it could be a legitimate journal entry where I pour out my thoughts and feelings, it could just be a list of things I want to do. I haven't filled a journal this fast since I was in elementary school. It's magical to look back at my previous pages and feel a sense of joy and pride. I've written some of the best poetry in that journal, sketched out concept art for my graphic design work, and have also planned what will one day become the Ultimate Marvel Movie Marathon. There is literally everything in the journal. It's unbelievable how much I've come to depend on something entirely made of paper and ink. 

To add, I just recently started a bullet journal as well, which has helped immensely in keeping my mind from going insane. I have compiled all of the things that I want to accomplish and keep track of it so easily. Bullet journals can be as hard or as easy as you want them to be, and I'm still experimenting on how I want mine's to pan out, but I'm already a fan of how it's going. 

//Conclusion//

It's so easy to let the rough patches in our life drag us down, and I'm a sucker for them. But I'm learning slowly how to cope, manage and control my life so that I don't feel like I'm drowning. I'm now going to be experimenting to see if blogging weekly helps. XD Pray for me that I can actually write another post next week. Please...

Joy Amidst Fear

It has been so long since I last felt the urge to write like this. The last posts I have written have been jammed into the last ten minutes of class before I head off to work, they are usually squeezed out of my brain and dribbled onto the screen with very little inspiration fueling the work.

Tonight is different.

I'm dressed in my PJs with my oversized green headphones on to block out any nightly noises except for the relaxing sound of my fingers typing on the keyboard. There is a single lamp on in my room and the rest of my house is in darkness. Everyone is asleep. I am the only one awake and my mind is whirring with excitement, joy and the fuel of inspiration. There is no time for sleep when words must be written.

I spent this beautiful Sunday morning watching YouTube. It is a habit that I spend my Sunday mornings catching up on the virtual world. I immerse myself with real people and I spend ten or so minutes with them, seeing their life. Some would see this as a waste of time, but I constantly find it to be a blessing. When I see a YouTuber stepping outside of their front door and living, it makes me want to live. It makes me want to change things in my life so that I can do the same things as them. It led me to tearing my room apart and reorganizing it. It led me to clearing and throwing away all of the useless knick-knacks and it led me to returning my room from a tornado recovery victim to a haven for inspiration.

There are so many things to be happy about, even amidst these hard times. My future is entirely uncertain, my body is entirely out of shape, and my job is entirely stressful, but I found that today I had never felt happier. I felt happy to be able to spend the day worshiping my Lord and Savior. I felt happy meeting a complete stranger at church and feeling like I was the most valuable person in the world when I talked to her. I feel happy right now, here in my bedroom, surrounded by my haven of books. I feel happy to know that tomorrow is the start of a brand new week and that each day is an opportunity and a brand new start.

I feel so happy to know that I have a Lord and Saviour who died for me so that I could feel right now this joy. I've never felt so much anxiety for the future, but I've also never so at peace about it at the same time. I have faith that as long as I align my goals with Christ, there will be no need to fear for the future. I receive so much comfort from this. Some people may seem it to be foolish to place so much faith in a being that is so physically absent, but without it, I would be a mess. I'm happier being the fool than losing myself to the pains and fears of the world.

Whether you believe in God, in Krishna, Buddha or in no spiritual being at all, I hope that you can find the peace that you seek at this time. Hold to the small things in life that inspire you to find joy. Relish in the small and simple things in life and take it one day at a time. Times are hard and it's possible that they may continue to spiral downwards, but that gives us no reason to stand down or to give up. We alone have the strength and ability to press onward, we alone have the ability to let hope and faith guide us or leave it by the wayside. Will you choose to give up or stand up?

2017: Unregrettable #CGforever

I look back on 2016 with many regrets.

I regret that I didn't brush and floss my teeth every day, I regret that I didn't go to the gym (like, ever), I regret staying up late. The list could go on for a painfully long time.

Needless to say, there are hundreds upon hundreds of things I would love to change and improve upon and alter in this new year. 2017 sounds weird in my mouth, it sounds unfamiliar and a bit fuzzy and vague. 2016, I felt excited about 2016, but I've been humbled a lot and now I look at the future with numb apprehension. What if this is another year of mistakes and regrets? What if 2017 is going to be even more painful?

I am entirely inexperienced when it comes to dealing with losing a loved one. Both of my grandparents are alive, as are all of my aunts and uncles. Death is a bit of an obscurity to me. I'm not saying I haven't dealt with the sadness of losing someone, but I have not been felt the true grief that accompanies the loss of a loved one.

But on June 10th of 2016, I've never felt more grief in my entire life, all completely for someone I have never even met.

Christina Grimmie was born in New Jersey in March of 1994. She is the second of two children. I know nothing about her childhood, only that she loved her family, her two best friends, Jesus, video games, and music. She was incredibly talented with music and it's what some would call a gift. On July 19th, 2009, Christina Grimmie posted her first YouTube video under the channel name of zeldaxlove64. She sang "Don't Wanna Be Torn" by Hannah Montana with a Sonic the Hedgehog poster in the background. This gives a small idea of the kind of person Christina was. Fast Forward a few years, and Christina Grimmie had formed a faithfully loyal following, christened Team Grimmie. I discovered her in 2011, with the release of her EP "Find Me," and like how every fan will begin their tale, "I was drawn to her instantly."

Christina currently has 227 videos and 3,829,606 subscribers. She competed in the sixth season of The Voice and placed in third. She has toured with Selena Gomez, collaborated with multiple artists, released two EPS and one album, and debuted in 2016's film, The Matchbreaker. She made a name for herself and become an inspiration to young adults and teenagers across the globe.

Christina Grimmie became somewhat of an obsession for me. I religiously watched her videos from then on and supported her in her endeavors. There was no other artist out there that I had related to so deeply. She was a devout Christian, and a firm believer in Christ, but she was also a total nerd. Her favourite video game  was Zelda and her favourite movie was Lord of the Rings. How could I not love this girl? Being only a few years older than me, I clung onto her like an online older sister. I styled her hair like her, I bought bright neon green headphones just like hers (I'm on my third pair right now) and I memorized every word to her Above All That Is Random songs.

She treated her fans like family, we had a hand sign (\l/ Rawwk fingers \I/), and Christina never called us fans, but frands. We were her fan friends. She never seemed to be down and her music, whether it was original or a cover, filled my soul with something so joyous and uplifting. I felt like I knew her even when I knew nothing about her. I had made a goal to meet her one day, to see her sing live on stage and sing her songs with her and I had dreamed to tell her just how much she inspired me to be the person I am.

You can already tell this story is not going to end well.

On June 10th of 2016, Christina Grimmie was shot and killed after a live show. She was meeting her fans when the shooter faced her and shot her. The shooter was seized by her brother, Mark, before anyone else was hurt, but for Christina, it was too late.

For a moment, my life crumbled when I heard the news. How could someone who was so pure, so inspiring, so good be given this destiny? Why, after all of the hard work she has done, after all of the good and wonderful accomplishments did it have to end like this? How was this fair, when she was so young? How was it okay to say goodbye to someone who was such an example to me.

Her death has haunted me for the past seven months. I still am seized with an incomprehensible sense of sadness that I can't control whenever I see her or hear her voice. She never met me and I never met her, but somehow her life was branded onto my soul and I won't ever forget her. Her songs are her legacy, and they sound so different to me, they mean something different now that she is gone.

A lot of terrible things happened in 2016 following and preceding Christina's death; many tragic things. Most did not happen to me directly, but it does not mean it did not affect me, or the world for that matter. I think we can all say that looking at 2016, we won't miss it too much. We won't miss all of the death, the tragedies, the lack of empathy, the politics, the contention and war. There is so much more to come, I know, but I hope that it comes a bit more gracefully from now on.

With Christina's passing, the concept of time and just how short our lives can be has plagued my nightmares. How much time do I have left on this world? And am I spending it wisely?

It's possible that Christina may have had some regrets, but I believe that it is more likely that she would say that her life was unregrettable. She fulfilled a dream of inspiring people while never lowering her standards or defacing her Christ and Savior. She created music and with that came her virtual inernet family. She even fell in love. She touched millions of lives, traveled the world, and had an amazing family. For someone so young, she still did so much, and had so little to be regretful of.

 For 2017, and possibly for my life I've made it a goal to make every day unregrettable. It's sort of like making every day unforgettable, but just with a bit more heart behind it, at least for me. I don't want my life to be cut short and realize that I didn't do anything to make a difference for myself or for others. I don't want my life story to be Kenra: the girl who started, but never finished. I want it to be Kenra: the girl with no regrets because she didn't stop trying.

2017 is going to be less about goals (although I do have them) and more about action, more about just going out and doing. Rather than thinking positively, act positively. It's turning dreams into reality. It's conquering the barricades that are in my way. It's living fearlessly and courageously. If Christina Grimmie could die with no regrets, I can certainly live with no regrets.

I dedicate 2017 to Christina and her legacy and I hold onto her values and her music to step towards the future. To her family and closely loved ones, I pray for you every day, and I love you for helping Christina to be the person she is, especially all of the Grimmie family. I know that Christina is in a much greater place now and where she is there is no pain, no tragedy or sorrow. She is ascended to a much more loving place, a paradise where her music can shake the heavenly rafters. I'm pretty sure that she is doing much better than everyone here on this world combined. She is with her Savior, where her heart has always been. You Rawwk Christina, I may not have met you in this life, but I know I will in the next.

And 2017, I'm ready for you, whatever may come, I don't plan to regret it.

Photo: christinagrimmie.com

To learn more about Christina check out her website and her channel.

I Want to Be a Writer

I want to be a writer.

I love the silence that writing has. When all you hear is the scraping of pen on paper or the clicking of the keyboard. And nothing else. Nothing but that.

But writing is also one of the loudest things I do.

My mind is a giant cacophny of noise and thoughts that I literally cannot control. My mind is chaotic and a giant labyrinth that I am constantly lost in and trying to make sense of. I know it sounds, unpleasant, but if you compare it to Jim Henson's Labyrinth, it's actually quite breathtaking.

Until you do become hopelessly lost in the strings that you've tangled yourself up in.

I can't say that I'm actually very good at writing. In fact, I'm a rather rubbish writer.

Somebody else could write this a whole lot better than I could. Somebody else could make my characters become three dimensional better than me. I'm not gifted to write, it doesn't come as naturally as it does for others. My writing takes work.

I hope that one day I can open up one of my stories and look at my words and realize their worth. I wish I could spot the diamonds in the rough, the phrases that sparkle and make me feel something.

There are times where I avoid writing because I believe the story is too good to be tainted by my inadequate skills. These characters too good, the world too exquisite. If I place my fingers on that keyboard and begin, it will never be as good as I hope it will be.

Somebody can do it so much better.

It drives me insane to feel this way because I need to write to survive. My soul, my heart, and my mind live off of words, the creating of phrases and thoughts that pierce the mind and make you pause for thought. My mind yearns for the beautiful word, the carefully crafted tale.

I wish I knew how others do it. How did Dickinson, Dickens, and Austen write the foundation of classical literature? How did Tolkien, Lewis and Burroughs create the forge the begining of fantastical literature? How does Rowling, Martin and Riordan sustain that expectation? How do they do it? I want to make my words fly off of the page and become real inside someone's head. I want to make someone feel something. I want a phrase of my story to be written on a scratch piece of paper when they need those words for strength. I want my words to inspire and lift, to restore hope in a younger reader's mind. I want to create something that makes people feel, makes people think.

I could be doing it now, but I don't know. I don't know where my value is when it comes to writing.

I feel frustrated, I feel incompetent. I wish I could be better. I wish I could feel like my words are crisp, strong, powerful and emphatic rather than under-cooked and soft, without any flavor or vibrancy.

I want to be a writer. I want people to see my worlds and see them like they are home. Because to me, my stories are home. I have created a haven I can escape to when I write. In that world, there are characters and creatures who know me better than I and are waiting to be crafted and molded under my direction. They wait so patiently for me to be ready. My world is far too good to me, far too patient.

I want to be writer, but do not know yet if I have earned such a title.

It's Worth It

Whenever I tell someone that I plan to write 50,000 words in 30 days, I always get the same sentiment, "Are you insane?"

Sometimes I wonder the same thing. This year especially.

It's odd to think that I've been doing this since 2011. I remember the first time that I ever did it. I was in ninth grade, still rather poor in my writing, and far too timid to share anything I wrote. I wrote a story based off of my imaginary friend when I was little. Her name is Stacey and she's a sage, a magic-user. She has a twin sister (then named Roxy) who's a total punk-runker and they embark on all sorts of dangerous missions together and save the galaxy. Because saving the the world was far too small  and humble for fifteen year old Kenra.

Looking back at those first 50,000 words I had ever dedicated for NaNoWriMo, I feel a mixture of pride and the urge to cringe at just how bad  it was. There was an entire 2,000 words dedicated to a princess slumber party that had nothing to do with the plot-line. But it was something to fill in the gaps while I waited for inspiration to come back from their lunch break.

Since then I have learned that no NaNoWriMo is the same. No writing experience will ever be the same and every story requires a different writing muscle to make the words mesh well. Writing an entire novel is never easy, and a rather thankless job, and slightly insane, but it is entirely worth it.

With the four and a half novels that I have written for NaNoWriMo I have written a total of 213,660 words. It's a bit surreal to think that each and every single one of those words was written and arranged by me. It wasn't procured by chance or magic. It comes about by practicing habitual writing, by staying up late nearly every night to reach the word goal for the day. It comes from writing about princess parties because you can think of nothing else to write about. It comes from true grit and dedication.

This year's NaNoWriMo has definitely been one of the hardest. As I get older I become more and more unsatisfied with the place that I am at in my writing. I create doubts and a poor judgement about what kind of writer and even what kind of person I am. This year, as you already knew, was difficult just to even convince myself to begin. I didn't think I could be good enough to write another 50,000 words. But with help from my best friend, I was able to get NaNoWriMo rolling.

A week into NaNoWriMo, that inspiration bit the dust pretty quick. I began to feel so exhausted of trying to do something that my heart just wasn't into. The prompts that my friend and I had planned were great and excellent prompts, but they did not inspire me to create a brand new story. At the end of the week, my friend and I traded ideas for the stories we had written. My friend was so enthusiastic about every story she had written, talking about how they would all make great novels someday. She shared excerpts and ideas with me and I was eager to be excited for her, but then reluctant to share my own stories. There was nothing good about them.

I was already sick of coming up with a brand new cast of characters each day only to write 2,000 words of their story. It's likely that I will never finish any of these character's stories, simply because I didn't care enough about them to begin with. At that point, I was ready to just delete the file and call it quits.

It took a very late night phone call with my brother for me to realize that I was doing this entirely wrong.

The quality and style of someone's writing should never be compared, competed or clashed with another's writing style. The motivation to write should never be to become as good as this person, to be at this reading level, to beat this person at the word goal. It should never be a tool that competes against another. And for the past week, that was exactly what I had done for the past two months. I had placed my writing next to that of  Tolkien, Rowling and countless other published and successful authors and found my works to be worth nothing. I even read through my friend's stories and found the faults in my stories next to hers. I had made it my goal to be better than them, all of them, and found that the order was too tall for me to ever manage in 30 days, or ever.

If you want to succeed in writing, you need to practice writing for yourself first. The story begins with you, the story is created by you. There is no one more important than you when you're story is involved. Write how you want to write, and don't try to make it better or as good as somebody else's. If you must compete, compete with yourself.

Once I figured that out, the prompts became a bit easier to manage. I still didn't think they were my favourite method of writing and I was still sick of writing new characters, and a new plot-line each day, but I was at least writing for the right reason. It wasn't about being the next Tolkien, it wasn't about being as good as my friend (who truly is an amazing and incredibly talented writer) and it wasn't about making a masterpiece on the first try.

Around November 25th, I finally chose to stop the prompts and just write something for myself. When I did that, the story I wrote was incredible. The characters were easy to write, the setting was so clear in my head and the story unfolded like a pop-up book. I had been writing in black and white for the past sixteen days and suddenly there was color. Vibrant unabashedly neon colors that weaved through my words and danced before my visionary eyes. It was the most exhilarating moment to realize that I was capable of writing something that made me feel good. It suddenly became much easier to reach my daily word goal, and even going beyond and finishing my 50,000 words before the end of the month.

This advice may not apply to everyone. Some people may need a little competition to get their words on the page, but that wasn't for me. I needed to write for myself and find the words that seemed to have been hiding in the shadows of my mind. I still and probably will continue to struggle finding where my stories stand when it comes to whether they're good enough to be read by others, but at this point in my life, that doesn't matter. What matters is that I am enjoying what I'm doing. Someday, if I practice hard enough and never stop the habit of daily writing, maybe I will be as good as Tolkien. But I'm not expecting that result to happen anytime in the near future. Today, I'm going to be as good as me, Kenra Cook.

Of the 50,000 words I wrote, I am only proud of around 8,000 words of it. Some could consider that a failure, but I see that as a victory. Writing has and never will be an easy thing for me to do. Time and self-doubts try to choke what little inspiration I have each day. It's a battle to commit to writing, especially when people are out doing normal sociable things that seem super fun. But it is so worth it. It's worth it to me for those 8,000 words I wrote. It's worth it because I love it.

I hope for those that read this, that they can find something that they love to do. God has given each of us a talent. I am so grateful for the gifts that I have been given, and I intend to show that gratitude by writing as much as I can in this lifetime.

Thank you for your support and all of you're kind words that encourage me through every chapter of my life and through the chapters of my character's life. Your kindness does not go unnoticed.

If you'd like a preview of some of this year's NaNoWriMo, click here. I hope some day Naomi Scott can rock the world.