It's Worth It

Whenever I tell someone that I plan to write 50,000 words in 30 days, I always get the same sentiment, "Are you insane?"

Sometimes I wonder the same thing. This year especially.

It's odd to think that I've been doing this since 2011. I remember the first time that I ever did it. I was in ninth grade, still rather poor in my writing, and far too timid to share anything I wrote. I wrote a story based off of my imaginary friend when I was little. Her name is Stacey and she's a sage, a magic-user. She has a twin sister (then named Roxy) who's a total punk-runker and they embark on all sorts of dangerous missions together and save the galaxy. Because saving the the world was far too small  and humble for fifteen year old Kenra.

Looking back at those first 50,000 words I had ever dedicated for NaNoWriMo, I feel a mixture of pride and the urge to cringe at just how bad  it was. There was an entire 2,000 words dedicated to a princess slumber party that had nothing to do with the plot-line. But it was something to fill in the gaps while I waited for inspiration to come back from their lunch break.

Since then I have learned that no NaNoWriMo is the same. No writing experience will ever be the same and every story requires a different writing muscle to make the words mesh well. Writing an entire novel is never easy, and a rather thankless job, and slightly insane, but it is entirely worth it.

With the four and a half novels that I have written for NaNoWriMo I have written a total of 213,660 words. It's a bit surreal to think that each and every single one of those words was written and arranged by me. It wasn't procured by chance or magic. It comes about by practicing habitual writing, by staying up late nearly every night to reach the word goal for the day. It comes from writing about princess parties because you can think of nothing else to write about. It comes from true grit and dedication.

This year's NaNoWriMo has definitely been one of the hardest. As I get older I become more and more unsatisfied with the place that I am at in my writing. I create doubts and a poor judgement about what kind of writer and even what kind of person I am. This year, as you already knew, was difficult just to even convince myself to begin. I didn't think I could be good enough to write another 50,000 words. But with help from my best friend, I was able to get NaNoWriMo rolling.

A week into NaNoWriMo, that inspiration bit the dust pretty quick. I began to feel so exhausted of trying to do something that my heart just wasn't into. The prompts that my friend and I had planned were great and excellent prompts, but they did not inspire me to create a brand new story. At the end of the week, my friend and I traded ideas for the stories we had written. My friend was so enthusiastic about every story she had written, talking about how they would all make great novels someday. She shared excerpts and ideas with me and I was eager to be excited for her, but then reluctant to share my own stories. There was nothing good about them.

I was already sick of coming up with a brand new cast of characters each day only to write 2,000 words of their story. It's likely that I will never finish any of these character's stories, simply because I didn't care enough about them to begin with. At that point, I was ready to just delete the file and call it quits.

It took a very late night phone call with my brother for me to realize that I was doing this entirely wrong.

The quality and style of someone's writing should never be compared, competed or clashed with another's writing style. The motivation to write should never be to become as good as this person, to be at this reading level, to beat this person at the word goal. It should never be a tool that competes against another. And for the past week, that was exactly what I had done for the past two months. I had placed my writing next to that of  Tolkien, Rowling and countless other published and successful authors and found my works to be worth nothing. I even read through my friend's stories and found the faults in my stories next to hers. I had made it my goal to be better than them, all of them, and found that the order was too tall for me to ever manage in 30 days, or ever.

If you want to succeed in writing, you need to practice writing for yourself first. The story begins with you, the story is created by you. There is no one more important than you when you're story is involved. Write how you want to write, and don't try to make it better or as good as somebody else's. If you must compete, compete with yourself.

Once I figured that out, the prompts became a bit easier to manage. I still didn't think they were my favourite method of writing and I was still sick of writing new characters, and a new plot-line each day, but I was at least writing for the right reason. It wasn't about being the next Tolkien, it wasn't about being as good as my friend (who truly is an amazing and incredibly talented writer) and it wasn't about making a masterpiece on the first try.

Around November 25th, I finally chose to stop the prompts and just write something for myself. When I did that, the story I wrote was incredible. The characters were easy to write, the setting was so clear in my head and the story unfolded like a pop-up book. I had been writing in black and white for the past sixteen days and suddenly there was color. Vibrant unabashedly neon colors that weaved through my words and danced before my visionary eyes. It was the most exhilarating moment to realize that I was capable of writing something that made me feel good. It suddenly became much easier to reach my daily word goal, and even going beyond and finishing my 50,000 words before the end of the month.

This advice may not apply to everyone. Some people may need a little competition to get their words on the page, but that wasn't for me. I needed to write for myself and find the words that seemed to have been hiding in the shadows of my mind. I still and probably will continue to struggle finding where my stories stand when it comes to whether they're good enough to be read by others, but at this point in my life, that doesn't matter. What matters is that I am enjoying what I'm doing. Someday, if I practice hard enough and never stop the habit of daily writing, maybe I will be as good as Tolkien. But I'm not expecting that result to happen anytime in the near future. Today, I'm going to be as good as me, Kenra Cook.

Of the 50,000 words I wrote, I am only proud of around 8,000 words of it. Some could consider that a failure, but I see that as a victory. Writing has and never will be an easy thing for me to do. Time and self-doubts try to choke what little inspiration I have each day. It's a battle to commit to writing, especially when people are out doing normal sociable things that seem super fun. But it is so worth it. It's worth it to me for those 8,000 words I wrote. It's worth it because I love it.

I hope for those that read this, that they can find something that they love to do. God has given each of us a talent. I am so grateful for the gifts that I have been given, and I intend to show that gratitude by writing as much as I can in this lifetime.

Thank you for your support and all of you're kind words that encourage me through every chapter of my life and through the chapters of my character's life. Your kindness does not go unnoticed.

If you'd like a preview of some of this year's NaNoWriMo, click here. I hope some day Naomi Scott can rock the world.

NaNoWriMo Day 2

Words Written: 4,071
Feeling: Depressed

This is the first time ever in my NaNoWriMo experience that I have ever felt this defeated before; and never have I felt the urge so strongly to delete what I wrote and just give up. I had a lot of goals and dream, a lot of optimism and hope, but not anymore. What I have written is worse than I could imagine, and I'm disappointed and downtrodden.

Is this even worth it? Is it worth it to put forth so much effort to get nothing in return? Is it worth it to know that in the end you'll just be embarrassed and ashamed by what you write?

I don't feel like a writer right now. I feel like a failure and I want to give up.

Even when I have been on the last week of NaNoWriMo with 6,000 words behind schedule, I still had the confidence and the willpower to keep writing. It's day two and I don't have either. I feel like I'm wasting my time. I'm not going to get better and I'm not going to impress anyone. It doesn't help that when I try to share a piece of my work, I get no response. Did you know I'm still waiting for that critique I mentioned in my blog post late September?

I won't give up yet. It's too early to stop when I've only just begun. I just hope tomorrow is a better day.

50,000...maybe coming soon...

NaNoWriMo 2016: Change is Scary

I hate how quickly inspiration fizzles out. I had so many plans this October for my blog and only completed one of them. On the bright side, November is here, it's a brand new month and a brand new day.

With November comes exciting times. For anyone that has known me for the past five years, you know that November is one of my favourite months of the year for one very big reason: NaNoWriMo!

Every year I dedicate myself to one story and write until ridiculous hours of the night to complete my goal. It's been nearly successful every year (except one) and I have so much fun juggling life and writing in such a squashed amount of time. It really keeps my on my toes.

The unfortunate thing about the past four years is this: none of the novels I have began are finished. After I reach 50,000 words I come to a stand-still and my creative juices run off the edge of a cliff. I reached the dead end and could go no further.

Upon discovering this I decided to study those four stories and then became crushingly depressed when I noticed that not one of my stories were different. They all fell under this trope of a high school/college girl getting swept up in a fantastical/mystical adventure. There was the quirky best friend, the sickeningly handsome love interest, and some sort of magical force directing my main character to her destiny.

When I found this connection I lost all hope in my skills as a writer. I would become that author they talk about where, "When you've read one, you've read them all." As an aspiring author, the worst insult I think I can get is hearing that my stories are too similar to read. To make it worse, I delved into all of my scribbled writings - the ones that aren't novels, but just loose ideas and concepts - and saw the same pattern. Magical girl, magical boy, touch of romance, not nearly enough peril or reality in it.

I was debating not doing NaNoWriMo this year because this realization had hit me rather hard. After a late night conversation with one of my friends, she had convinced me not to give up. We discussed the next day and decided to change this year's NaNoWriMo a bit. Neither of us were quite ready to commit to a full length novel with a brand new cast of characters and a plot line; so we created an alternative.

For NaNoWriMo 2016, we've given ourselves 27 story prompts of various genres. Each day, we pick a prompt and we write at least 2,000 based off of that prompt. We gave ourselves three cheat days where we can write whatever we want, so if I wanted to, I can work on a previous novel and get a few things tweaked and ironed out. Picking out the prompts was a journey and really hard because I naturally would pick the magical themed prompts and my friend would try to pick something outside my comfort zone. I felt like a rotten child whining about how I didn't like the prompts but in the end, she won and I have a lot of interesting prompts that I am honestly so frightened of.

So National Novel Writing Month is going to be an interesting year. I hope that this year is as successful as I hope it is. I have a big goal and a dream to improve my skills. October was one of the hardest and worst months of this year because I wasn't able to write anything and I had suddenly lost all confidence in my work which led me to lose hope in myself and in my dreams. My hope is that NaNoWriMo will help me get back up on my feet and regain that confidence and that I can become better.

50,000 words...coming soon...