Give It Time

I've had this discussion before, and it's going to sound like I'm beating an already dead horse (okay, that is such a horrible expression, where and why did this figure of speech become a thing?).

With a schedule that takes up a lot of my time (not all, but most), I've realized how valuable time is and it's been a juggling act trying to balance what I need to do with the things that I want to do. Video games or reading? Writing or playing the piano? Netflix or biking? Drawing or graphic design? I feel like my life is more structured but filled with chaos in between. Every day I know when I have my free time but I become so overwhelmed with what to do in my small free time that I end up doing nothing. Which is the worst decision I make.

It's so easy to become overwhelmed with the thought, I don't have enough time.

I'm divided between feeling elated that I'm making progress in my work and school and feeling overwhelmed because I make myself believe that I can't do everything I want to do in one day. I can't possibly find the time to do everything I want to do.

This sort of thinking has started to infect certain parts of my life, specifically my writing.

I talk about writing all the time, I write a blog sort of frequently, I write fanfiction and I have over twenty novels that I've started, you'd think I was pretty confident in what I write. The honest truth: I have absolute bottom-of-the-barrel confidence in my own talent. I don't think I'm a good writer.

I always thought that with practice came confidence. I practice writing, but I feel unsatisfied.

I've come to the realization that writing is completely dependent on your state of mind. If you're relaxed and in an environment that exudes comfort, it's easy for me to write. I don't feel like I have to impress anyone or anything. With the idea that I have no time, I've dug myself a hole. I feel like I can't possibly get good writing in while I'm going to school and working. It's a flawed perspective.

I've also come to the realization that I do my best writing alone. It doesn't matter if I'm writing an essay, fictional writing, or just a letter to a friend. When I'm around people - specifically around my friends that are writers too - I get the idea that I need to impress them somehow and I go to uncomfortable efforts to be as good as them. In the end, my work comes off looking cheap and I the diffident participant.

Where do you find that inner belief that we are doing well? Where do you find the fire that fuels you to keep trying even when you feel like giving up? Where do you find the will to ignore the distractions and competition and work for yourself? Where does courage come from? And how do I get it?

I think it starts with the decision to try.

Try to take it slow and to find courage in your own style. Not everyone gains confidence in the same way. Some people need the boost of other people, while others need the solace of their own mind. I personally need less people and more mind power. When it comes to writing, my style of writing is a constant quest. I haven't figured out the definite style that's me yet, and I think that's pretty great. I have time to mold myself. I'm going to take it slow to find the style that fits me, not what people expect me to fit in.

Try to forget the thoughts of others and only think of your goals, your aspirations. I used to discuss my stories with my friends, and I still do a lot, but I've noticed my story loses its course when its influenced by others. That isn't bad, and eventually it has to happen, but not during the rough draft. If you're easily influenced by what others say, make an effort to either gain a will of steel, or keep your thoughts with you until you're confident in your decisions. I have to remind myself that what I want is a completed novel, not a perfect one, that comes later in the game. I have to stay focused on

Realize that we all do things differently. For the longest time, I felt of lesser value because I'm not a University student and that I dropped out of school for a year and a half. Since starting school at my local tech college, that feeling has more or less subsided, until recently. My good good good friend is starting a creative writing class that's supposed to greatly improve your writing skills and she was telling me all about it and how excited she was. I suddenly felt the worthlessness again as I realized I couldn't take that class because I didn't attend University. I fell into a really dark mood when I thought that my writing wouldn't be any good unless I took a class too. I was afraid I'd suddenly come across as a cheap writer when I try to publish my novel because I didn't take a creative writing class. Here's the thing: everyone does life differently. My friend is a university student who's working to become an editor for novels. I'm a part time community tech college student who's working to become a graphic designer. We're doing things differently, but we're not doing either of them wrong. That's what I need to remember. You're skills are not of less worth because you do it different from somebody else. It's okay that I'm not taking that fancy creative writing class, I may have to work harder to be as good, but I know that I can do it.

I've been reading a lot of quotes lately, and I find that this particular one to the left of me is what I needed to hear. Right now, I'm wanting to be more than what I currently am. I want to be on a professional level on everything. I want the success without the process of earning that success. There is a gap right now. I'm trying to be creative, and I'm going to have to work for it. I'm not wrong when I say practice will eventually make perfect, I just have to give myself more time. Time is really what this blog post is all about. I'm only nineteen years old. I have time to become a better writer, I have time to be a better student, I have time to be a better person. I have to allow myself more time to work, to practice and I think one day I'll realize that I've jumped that gap and I'm on the other side.

So instead of saying that I don't have enough time, I'm going to say that I have all the time I need and I don't plan on wasting it feeling sorry. I'm going to bury myself in work and school and I won't quit, even when I feel like giving up. Gosh darn it, I'm going to finish my novel!


It's a big world with a lot of big dreams trying to take up all of the space. Don't be overwhelmed by somebody else's dreams. Find your own and fight for it.

With love,
Kenra Cook

Kenra Kreates

Get it? Kenra Kreates?..........I know, it's super cheesy. Sigh.

Anyways. Remember that post about me wanting to create stuff? Guess what guys?

I MADE SOMETHING!

I made the dreamcatcher that I said I would. I went to the craft store and got some leather cord, a metal ring and took about half a lifetime's worth picking which beads I wanted to put on my dreamcatcher.

And here is the final result:

Some people have told me it's different (the rock bead's too big) and some people have liked it. And for the longest time I was tempted to tear it apart and start over because of the different feedback (it wasn't entirely negative, but not entirely positive either) but after staring at it for days I decided that what other people thought really didn't matter compared to what I thought. I like my big fat rock, I'm a big fat girl. We have a lot in common, me and that rock.

That is what creating things is all about. It isn't about doing what people expect you to do, it's doing what you want to do. Sure, there are definitely boundaries to that statement, but overall, you have the control to make your art, your creations, into whatever you want. People will think what they will think and that isn't wrong or bad. I'm grateful that the people who didn't like my rock told me, I really am, I'm glad they trust me enough with their opinion to share it with me to my face. I appreciate that kind of honesty. That still doesn't stop me from keeping that big rock, I like my big rock. It's just a freedom of opinion. That's all. We're both right in the end.
because

So there we have it. A dreamcatcher and pep talk to go with it.

And because I had a few other dreamcaters I decided to make them my new closet decor. Just in case you were wondering, I only made one other of those dreamcatchers. The one next to my new one I made when I was around twelve or something like that. The other two I've collected. One from my sister, which is the beaded one. The other one with the green cord is from my mom who got it from an old relative I can't remember, needless to say, it's vintage.

So what will I be making next? Keep an eye out for another post soon!

Boxes

This week was a big week for anyone who loves The Goo Goo Dolls.

On May 6th of 2016, The Goo Goo Doll's 11th studio was released. It's called "Boxes" and I've already listened to it about ten times, I would have listened to it more by now except I have school and me being a law abiding citizen, I do have some self control. Needless to say, I am truly, deeply, madly in love with this new album. I say it every year, and I'm saying it again this year too.

It's so cool to see the progression of the music from the past six years. In 2010, "Something for the Rest of Us" was a rather dark and moody album for The Goo Goo Dolls. In interviews, Johnny Rzeznik even admits that it was rough time in their lives and it reflected in their music.

In 2013, the upbeat and energetic album "Magnetic" was released and it seemed like a chapter had turned for the members of The Goo Goo Dolls. Johnny married his sweetheart Melina Gallo in July and Robby was the father of a beautiful baby girl. Johnny described it as chaos though, there was a lot happening and he was in the center of it.

Now, 2016, I personally feel as if this new album's music is a reflection of Johnny moving past that chaos, exploring a new sound and finding a sort of pure feeling of what happiness is in this music. It's incredible to see the journey of my favourite band and to see the progression they have made. Robby being a father, Johnny being sober for the past 15 months. It feels like this is a great time to be a Goo Goo Doll.

I felt uplifted with every song I heard. There wasn't one song where I felt like I wasn't being told I was enough, to be brave, that every moment's a chance to live again. The lyrics are so masterfully done, I'm moved every time I listen to the songs and I'll catch a new phrase I didn't hear before that I think this was written just for me.

If you have any sort of interest in this album, I strongly suggest you take a listen to it. It's on Spotify, it's on iTunes, it's on Google and Amazon. It's everywhere. Find it, love it. I totally adored it to pieces and can't wait to listen to it for the rest of my life. That's the great thing about music, it's a permanent addition to your life.