Give It Time

I've had this discussion before, and it's going to sound like I'm beating an already dead horse (okay, that is such a horrible expression, where and why did this figure of speech become a thing?).

With a schedule that takes up a lot of my time (not all, but most), I've realized how valuable time is and it's been a juggling act trying to balance what I need to do with the things that I want to do. Video games or reading? Writing or playing the piano? Netflix or biking? Drawing or graphic design? I feel like my life is more structured but filled with chaos in between. Every day I know when I have my free time but I become so overwhelmed with what to do in my small free time that I end up doing nothing. Which is the worst decision I make.

It's so easy to become overwhelmed with the thought, I don't have enough time.

I'm divided between feeling elated that I'm making progress in my work and school and feeling overwhelmed because I make myself believe that I can't do everything I want to do in one day. I can't possibly find the time to do everything I want to do.

This sort of thinking has started to infect certain parts of my life, specifically my writing.

I talk about writing all the time, I write a blog sort of frequently, I write fanfiction and I have over twenty novels that I've started, you'd think I was pretty confident in what I write. The honest truth: I have absolute bottom-of-the-barrel confidence in my own talent. I don't think I'm a good writer.

I always thought that with practice came confidence. I practice writing, but I feel unsatisfied.

I've come to the realization that writing is completely dependent on your state of mind. If you're relaxed and in an environment that exudes comfort, it's easy for me to write. I don't feel like I have to impress anyone or anything. With the idea that I have no time, I've dug myself a hole. I feel like I can't possibly get good writing in while I'm going to school and working. It's a flawed perspective.

I've also come to the realization that I do my best writing alone. It doesn't matter if I'm writing an essay, fictional writing, or just a letter to a friend. When I'm around people - specifically around my friends that are writers too - I get the idea that I need to impress them somehow and I go to uncomfortable efforts to be as good as them. In the end, my work comes off looking cheap and I the diffident participant.

Where do you find that inner belief that we are doing well? Where do you find the fire that fuels you to keep trying even when you feel like giving up? Where do you find the will to ignore the distractions and competition and work for yourself? Where does courage come from? And how do I get it?

I think it starts with the decision to try.

Try to take it slow and to find courage in your own style. Not everyone gains confidence in the same way. Some people need the boost of other people, while others need the solace of their own mind. I personally need less people and more mind power. When it comes to writing, my style of writing is a constant quest. I haven't figured out the definite style that's me yet, and I think that's pretty great. I have time to mold myself. I'm going to take it slow to find the style that fits me, not what people expect me to fit in.

Try to forget the thoughts of others and only think of your goals, your aspirations. I used to discuss my stories with my friends, and I still do a lot, but I've noticed my story loses its course when its influenced by others. That isn't bad, and eventually it has to happen, but not during the rough draft. If you're easily influenced by what others say, make an effort to either gain a will of steel, or keep your thoughts with you until you're confident in your decisions. I have to remind myself that what I want is a completed novel, not a perfect one, that comes later in the game. I have to stay focused on

Realize that we all do things differently. For the longest time, I felt of lesser value because I'm not a University student and that I dropped out of school for a year and a half. Since starting school at my local tech college, that feeling has more or less subsided, until recently. My good good good friend is starting a creative writing class that's supposed to greatly improve your writing skills and she was telling me all about it and how excited she was. I suddenly felt the worthlessness again as I realized I couldn't take that class because I didn't attend University. I fell into a really dark mood when I thought that my writing wouldn't be any good unless I took a class too. I was afraid I'd suddenly come across as a cheap writer when I try to publish my novel because I didn't take a creative writing class. Here's the thing: everyone does life differently. My friend is a university student who's working to become an editor for novels. I'm a part time community tech college student who's working to become a graphic designer. We're doing things differently, but we're not doing either of them wrong. That's what I need to remember. You're skills are not of less worth because you do it different from somebody else. It's okay that I'm not taking that fancy creative writing class, I may have to work harder to be as good, but I know that I can do it.

I've been reading a lot of quotes lately, and I find that this particular one to the left of me is what I needed to hear. Right now, I'm wanting to be more than what I currently am. I want to be on a professional level on everything. I want the success without the process of earning that success. There is a gap right now. I'm trying to be creative, and I'm going to have to work for it. I'm not wrong when I say practice will eventually make perfect, I just have to give myself more time. Time is really what this blog post is all about. I'm only nineteen years old. I have time to become a better writer, I have time to be a better student, I have time to be a better person. I have to allow myself more time to work, to practice and I think one day I'll realize that I've jumped that gap and I'm on the other side.

So instead of saying that I don't have enough time, I'm going to say that I have all the time I need and I don't plan on wasting it feeling sorry. I'm going to bury myself in work and school and I won't quit, even when I feel like giving up. Gosh darn it, I'm going to finish my novel!


It's a big world with a lot of big dreams trying to take up all of the space. Don't be overwhelmed by somebody else's dreams. Find your own and fight for it.

With love,
Kenra Cook